Currents of Time

I tried to post last night and couldn't get this site to load and NOW I'VE FORGOTTEN WHAT I CAME HERE FOR but anyway life update, I'm still a depression beast (brain pills continue to work wonders though we're also still approaching DISASTER SEASON) with low-level generalized anxiety but also now I've been diagnosed with ADHD and am playing the fun game of trying to decide if I want to try medication. I feel like I get by okay at work for the most part, but I can't deny that my apartment and life in general OUTSIDE the office is kind of an extreme crisis, so uh. Idek.


...... All my Rana icons are from Legacy and her hair color looks drastically different even though I didn't make any changes to it (I only changed her tail style) and it weirds me out.


oh god I'd forgotten how much tagging entries on a phone sucks if you're not using the tag editing feature help help help

Oookay. Let's see how long I make it this time! I've gone through the worst of the weirdness (we're now in the overcompensation mode where I am aggressively cheerful but also exceptionally exhausted because faking having energy is dead tiring) so hopefully soon I'll start seeing some real, positive results. Also, I've started taking vitamin D, which is supposed to help? Cautious optimism.


(FFXIV alpha trials are underway here in North America! I am not invited, alas. Maybe next phase!)


Next week! At this time! I will be in CHICAGO. So excited. The "25th Anniverary of Final Fantasy" Distant Worlds concert is on Friday, and I am absolutely going to be there. X3 My trips to and from are a bit convoluted, but they are cheap, so that is okay. I know someone who lives relatively close to the airport there in NYC and she is letting me crash on her couch on Wednesday and Saturday night. yay! I should bring or obtain a gift to express my gratitude. Saving money is awesome. Holidays are coming up, after all, gotta be able to buy... anything.


Actually, I am hoping to make a little extra by selling off more of my Transformers collection (as well as a few Final Fantasy figures). A fair bit of movie and BotCon stuff, as well as other random offerings. More-reasonable-than-eBay prices! Watch this space, if you've any interest.


Also hey speaking of holidays, who wants a card? Please leave a comment here (screened) or PM it to me or something? :3 I do not have energy or inclination to do much in the way of making them myself this year, but I still like to send them out. I have a bunch of pretty designs and nifty stamps.

LJ keeps sending me emails telling me, oh, no! Your paid account is about to expire! You'd better hurry and give us moar monies if you don't want your paid service to be interrupted!!

LJ, piss off. I am angry with you and have no intention of giving you moar monies. Stop sucking so much and maybe I'll entertain the idea. Maybe.


I all but gave away a bunch of Transformers toys to my coworker's son. He's really digging them, and they were ones that I never really played with, so I'm glad they've gone to a better home, but it's kinda weird. I've never actually got rid of any of them before. I keep waiting for something in me to freak out and for me to go screaming over to her and demand them all back. ...Hopefully that does not actually happen. (Also last night they invited me over for a barbeque/grill/meal thing and it was a lot of fun except then I also had to go to a wedding shower today and now my social stamina's run out on me.)


Speaking of Transformers, sort of, er, there are a couple of you on my LJ friends list that I met either on the friending meme or at BotCon (if we're friends on DW, you can skip this entire paragraph. And if we're not friends on DW for whatever reason, feel free to add me. Every entry links back, anyway) that I do not see around at all anymore? Er, I am not sure if any of you are even reading this, but because I am weird about such things, I am thinking I might do a small list trim. Basically if I've seen you update or comment any time in the last four or five months, you're fine, and if you haven't, you're... probably not reading this, anyway, and won't notice or care if I remove you, but here's your fair warning, I guess? I don't know.

My life feels too cluttered right now. AND PPARENTLY JOURNALS ARE CLUTTER. Maybe I need to up my meds.



Also, hey, remember, it is April First, so keep your wits and expect people to be trying to prank you everywhere.

Uncharted 2, chapters 1-5

( and some bad mood-ing )

In closing, I've filled my phone with Final Fantasy (predominately XI, since it was a FFXI site I got them off) ringtones. Yay, me.

I guess I should post something of substance, it has been like a month, whoops. Between fatigue from either being ill or having autumn allergies, subject line-related family drama issues, and another dose of my brain's own patented abject misery, I have kind of fallen behind everywhere. Man, people with way more problems and things to do keep on top of this crap, what is my excuse? I am thinking of actually properly attempting NaNoWriMo again this year (instead of just using it to force myself to actually write anything like I've done for the last year or two), maybe that is my excuse. It is an obvious indicator of madnes, after all.

( Talkin' 'bout my stupid brain issues briefly )

Aaaanyway, that all aside, here are some nicer things!

My mom bought her cat some pet mice. They are super adorable, and have made me think maybe I want a pet mouse / mice again. Except wow, haha, I had forgotten how smelly they can get, haha. I helped her clean their cage a bit ago when I was out there (we were doing our yearly trip to New Hampshire the next day), and, whew. Stinky mice! But they are still cute. And, since the cat has become one of the laziest things in the world (at least in regards to hunting small creatures) in her middle age, they are in absolutely no danger from her. The first night, she did press her paw up against the wires (yeah, it's not even a glass cage) a bit, and try to scratch at the bottom to "get in", but I think it was just because she wanted a better look at them. She likes to sit and stare and watch them. She sits and watches for hours. Here are a few pictures (the black mouse is Trill, and the gray one is Flit): Diana notices the new things!, watching, sniffing, waiting for them to emerge... And here is Flit on my right shoulder from the cage-cleaning adventure (shortly after, she ducked down into the hood and wasn't seen again until we fished her out to put back in the cage. She is very shy), and here is Trill playing peek-a-boo on my left shoulder. She was content to run around all over the bathtub for a while, but then she seemed kind of anxious, so I showed her where Flit was, and she calmed down again.

NH was a lot of fun, as usual. We saw cool things, did cool things, and hit up a couple pawn shops and bought neat things (well, thing, in my case. I snagged The Iron Giant on DVD for a buck, awesome! My collection expands. In the last month, I've managed to get a bunch of awesome movies on DVD for cheap from yard sales and the like). And also we ate tasty food, which is fun.

And at work, I'm finally being officially trained as a cake decorator. I already know most all of it (I had a few under the table lessons from a former coworker), but now it will be official, so they can actually schedule me as one. Here is (most of) a cupcake and cake platter I decorated! NO ONE BOUGHT IT, what the helllll. I was gonna buy it myself and stick it in the break room (I could not bear the thought of it being thrown out, because IT IS AWESOME), but when I asked the manager on duty if I just needed a paid sticker or what, he said, hey, I'll just shrink it out, so I didn't have to spend money, yay.

And here are a few more designs I've made up (hee, my coworkers have started copying them) for the jumbo cupcakes we sell: one, two, three yes shut up that's a sugar cookie. I didn't have a lot of time, but I wanted to show one of my coworkers how to do it, so I had to make a small one on top of that (it's a cat. Its face is Not Quite Right, I know. The other ones have looked better, I swear). The pumpkins are my favourite thing to make, though the spiders are also kinda fun, and they sell well.


And - HEY, DID YOU STOP READING? COME BACK. Or, well, Transformers / Optimus Prime / Bay-verse aesthetic fans, come back, anyway. I HAVE SOMETHING? FOR YOOOOU.

It's one of those cardboard standee-things. Of our dear face-stealing Prime! There are two catches - the first is that he is/was intended to be part of a product (toys?) display, so it is not a perfect Prime standee. The second is that, though I am more than willing to give him away, I am not up for paying shipping. So you'll need to cover that. If anyone is interested, I will find a box he fits in and get a price estimate (probably parcel post, as it is usually cheaper, since he is not going to fit in only one flat-rate box. I could maybe fit him into two of the $10-ish range ones, though? Or, you know, whatever you wanna pay, I don't care. If you want priority mail, well, I won't stop you. This second catch is why I am offering him here, by the way, since the person I offered him to first did not want to pay for his transportation). I haven't assembled him, but I did take the bits out and unfold them, if you want to see what it'd look like (and, hey, if you want to adjust it so he's straddling something, or standing behind something so you can't see the spot where the BUY OUR STUFF things should be, that'd probably work fine)... one!, two! (he is a bit tall! I guess that should be less surprising), DotM logo*, and a grainy image of what the fully assembled thing should look like, from the instructions (yes, it has instructions).

So, yeah, let me know if you have any interest, there.



*Keyboard not included. Do you like how I have had to write the note names on the keys? I was taught in solfège when I was little and have had a heck of a time learning otherwise ever since. I can translate it in my head for singing, but I still cannot get around it for instruments. Guitar lessons were hilarious.

I am fairly certain I've made this entry before (possibly multiple times), but apparently I think it needs repeating (again). Blame my fluctuating mental state. Or the allergy meds. Both, even! The point, anyway, is that I am really kind of terribly awful at leaving comments (you are all shocked by this revelation, I am sure). It is not because I do not read your entries, or that I do not care (actually, I will confess that I do not read Glee-related entries, which many of you do write, because I simply do not care about that show. At all. But that is nothing personal, that is me really not like a series, and different tastes and all), it is just that I never know what to say. It seems like someone has always already said it better than me, or that what I would say would just be trite or annoying. And I know that is kind of crap, because I, at least, totally don't notice if someone has said something totally ridiculous in a comment left here. I always love getting comments! But (and this is partly what the meds and most recent run of therapy's about) I have recurring troubles with self-esteem and all, so despite knowing a comment I'd leave wouldn't bother me if someone else left it, I can't help but imagine it will annoy the pants off of whoever I leave it for. (I am even having trouble doing things as simple as hitting "Like" on Facebook these days.)


This was just something I was reflecting on as I did that whole 30 Days of Video Games meme, during which I got an unusually high number of comments, but I was leaving even less than usual. And I feel really bad about this, but at the moment, I am just not equipped to deal with it. So, I'm sorry, and I hope no one feels like I am ignoring them or that I don't like them or don't care. I'm just not in a very good brain-space.

EVERYONE'S* CARDS ARE GOING TO BE LATE, I AM SORRY. I FAIL.


I AM GETTING MY BRAIN BACK UNDER CONTROL, AT LEAST. GOD, WHAT TERRIBLE TIMING. I spent all of yesterday cleaning every room in the apartment (there are only four, if you count my room and not my flatmate's - I am not going to clean her room - and the bathroom is itsy-bitsy, so it wouldn't really count if it weren't so much darned work), and it was apparently exactly the sort of mindless work I needed to start pulling myself out of the funk I got mired down in earlier this month. (I was right that it wasn't SAD-related, at least. SMALL VICTORIES. I take them where I can.)


* Actually, one of them has a decent chance of arriving on time (possibly already arrived? I don't know, and it doesn't really matter), because I got it made and mailed before things went completely sour. And I did get one in the mail earlier this week, but it's got to go through customs, so it'll be late (edit: or it won't. SAME DIFFERENCE), but it's in the mail.


Also, thank you rionaleonhart and thebaconfat! Your cards arrived... sometime in the last week and a half (way to check the mailbox diligently, self!) or so! They totally made my day. ♥



But because I'm still a bit stuck and because I've been retreating towards fandom, and because we've got a chain in progress, anyway (damn that Transformers entry and the Rudolph song, or this would be number 6), MORE Final Fantasy CRAP.

FFXI (including all four full expansions and the first three add-ons and their bonus item, though not the more recent three) is on sale at Steam for $5. JOIN MEEEE. (... but wait until January 2^nd, because that way you can cancel your account before February first and not get billed at all, because they only give you 30 days free and if your thirty days expire in the middle of the month, you get billed for a full month at the start of the following month if you aren't diligent about remembering when you need to cancel your account.)



Also I made a journal for my FFXIV character. This brings me up to, um. Nine journals that only ever see me role-playing with myself. I THINK I NEED AN INTERVENTION.

... the ninth one totally doesn't count because it's all three of my XI characters in one place. And I simply don't use two of them anymore, so really it's only, like, six or something. Four, actually! Since I use the group FFXI journal loads more than the individual journals.

DAYLIGHT SAVING TIME IS APPROACHING, BRAIN, you have picked a terrible time to reset our own internal clock to, what is this, Tokyo time? I WILL STAB YOU. With, uh, a cotton swab or something, maybe, anyway, I don't know. If only my brain really were a completely separate entity that I could punch or lock away somewhere (this originally read "in the closet", but considering the closet here only has half a door, this wouldn't be an entirely effective course of action) when it acts stupid.


I am totally working on fics! Hooray! PROGRESS! Only, uh. I'm writing literally everything in ... shorthand? It's not really shorthand, but it's not really story, either, because it's written with a lot of all-caps and ridiculous sentences and summaries of action and... stuff. It's like - hrm. I don't want to post any of it because the scenes I'm working on at the moment are all either supposed to be closer to the end or part of Important Plot Stuff and if I ever finish anything and then actually post it (publicly, I mean. Not just under private-lock. YES, I HAVE DONE THIS. SORRY GUYS, I KNOW IT'S LAME OF ME. The first step is admitting the problem?), then it's not stuff I want people going in knowing (this assumes anyone would READFGIKHLME BAD BRAIN STOP BEING SELF-HATING) (totally unrelated, aside from the fuck you, brain thing, but apparently now some are thinking depression is actual brain damage and not just blarhg chemical imbalance, which is kind of interesting and kind of makes sense, but is also kind of even more ARGH!-inducing) and I have completely lost track of this paragraph because everything I write is coming out ridiculous these days.

RETRY: I don't want to post any of it because the scenes I'm working on at the moment are all either supposed to be closer to the end or part of Important Plot Stuff and if I ever finish anything and then actually post it, then it's not stuff I want people going in knowing, and apparently right now I am too lazy to change character names and strip out the one or two actually relevant sentences. ...Also it is probably not actually that interesting and then you would all feel cheated by my idiocy or something.


Ugh, this is stupid. I can't decide if I want to delete this entry (which I have been doing a lot of lately YES EVEN ON THE THREE ENTRIES DAY) or just suck it up and post it.

Also I have changed my mind and locked it.

...ALSO IF THIS ENTRY DISAPPEARS LATER, I GUESS YOU WILL KNOW WHY. Unlocked again now.

BRAIN. PICK A SCENARIO AND STICK WITH IT. I have written what is, at its core, the same scene, over fifteen times now! And I don't mean minor changes. I mean, entirely different settings and situations, different characters present (or not)... a complete reworking. My doc of writing cut due to changes is twice as long as the entire story so far is. This is ridiculous. I am sure the one I've written tonight will be invalidated by this time tomorrow.

It's from nearer to the end than not, too, so you'd think I could just go work on something else, but no. We keep coming back to this one.

Though I guess if I'm going to nitpick stuff to death, it may as well just be one scene, rather than the entire thing. I've only done that once so far. Everything else I've put down in the last few weeks is still working.

BUT STILL ARGH.

ANIKO, IF I EVER FINISH THIS STUPID THING, YOU HAD BETTER uh. I don't know. You had better still be interested, or at least read it, anyway.



And apparently Supernatural is confirmed for another season. MY THOUGHTS. LET ME SHOW YOU. Not sure if want? I mean, I still like it (even with all the stuff that's been going on the for last season and a half, which I guess is unpopular in some circles), but I was kind of looking forward to having one less show to watch. (Jecca, you watch three. You're only still interested in two of those, and you only really care about one. Its continuation should not be bothering you this much.)

While we're here, I wanted to mention, I found out that my manager also watches it. I THINK SHE IS A DEAN GIRL. Possibly she just likes the actor, though. (Damn it, I'm still typing his name as Dead all over the place. You'd think I'd be done with that by now.)

And with that revelation, the last week is put into perspective and all makes sense again. It will never cease to amaze me the way SAD (seasonal affective disorder) manages to sneak up on every year. I know it’s coming. It always comes. But it always takes me by surprise. Ugh. Hate body. WINTER GO AWAY.

Been plotting (for example, I've completely scrapped a 12 page section I had written, but I like the new idea a lot more, so I can't be bothered to care too much about it. I saved the old stuff in a new document and filed it away), but not actually writing. What I want to do is write a shorter, simple piece before launching myself back into one of the many ridiculously long (or at least detailed) stories I've got going, but I'm hung up on the stuff I've already started. I try not to do this too much, but anyone want to see anything from FFXI (since my "ffxi" tag is too generic. Or just check here for lunacy), Jade/Okame-verse (I... really need to come up with a name for stories involving either or both of them), or maybe "GT" (so, original characters, more original characters, or mutilation of reality)? I'll take prompts relating to those things, because I'm reasonably confident I can hammer something out without putting myself through my brain's nitpicking (those all have an automatic filter in place, or something).



I had something to say earlier, or maybe it was yesterday, but I don't remember what anymore. Just tired... (On the positive side, I have to be at work earlier than usual tomorrow, which will hopefully be enough motivation for me to get out of bed before, say, noon.)