Currents of Time

This is a pretty random entry. Some real life stuff, some fandom stuff, some musings on things, and a couple random facts about myself that I'm not necessarily ashamed of but am kind of embarrassed to admit. Possibly not in that order.

OH BUT FIRST: thanks to everyone who commented on my clothing crisis entry! Your opinions really helped. :D

( Okay, go! )

la la la it is almost 3 am way past time to go to bed


... wait, did I create this "cartoons forever" tag or is someone messing with me? I am legitimately not sure. (The perils of allowing outside tag creation, haha.)

FINALLY.

( BotCon and Sunday evening )

HOORAY WE ALL SURVIVED. NOW I CAN FINALLY GO TO BED. Because I was stupid and said NO FINISH THE ENTRY.

Though, I swear I keep hearing something moving around outside and it's really freaking me out, so maybe I won't be sleeping as much as I'd like. Boo.

"We feel there is nothing more we can teach you at this time."


So, you know, I didn't go and get someone killed or anything drastic like that. (Also I would disagree, but what do I know? ... EVERYTHING, OBVIOUSLY.) (And, from the very little my instructor was told, that isn't what they were saying earlier! Which is it, guys.)


Still, it would have been really nice to have found this out from them instead of hearing it the way I did and having to play phone-tag all morning until someone was nice enough to go physically track down the woman in charge. (Thank you, nice person.)


(Then again, I guess I at least got that. I'd have been mortified - and probably angry beyond words - if I'd actually gone up there today only to be told to go home, we don't want you. Thank you, instructor, at least, for thinking that this might be a good thing to make sure I knew.)

I did at least calm down and come to my senses faster than usual yesterday. I imagine the therapy was a large factor in this. Could sort of feel my brain trying to run through what I was taught between the fits of freaking out. (Hey, look at me. I even played phone-tag all morning to get some answers and refrained from freaking out again during the process. Yaaay.)


Still dunno what now, though. Instructor said he'd sent my academic adviser a question about our next move, and he wants to just let me pass, but obviously neither of us can do anything about it until we hear back from her.

Will catch up on flist entries, uh. Tomorrow or something? I dunno. Maybe it's the excessive cold in my house. Being too cold for too long makes me be weird sometimes. Just quiet now.

Anyway, to be honest, probably wouldn't have wandered over at all (sorry - just feeling so blah these days...) but have a bit of a request?

s'almost November, and we probably all remember what that means... (WRIST PAIN, is what that means.) Wasn't planning on signing up again, but received a threatening email from them. They knew I was thinking of backing out, and that's not allowed. So. Appear to have registered again. .....

But think I'm going to go about things a little differently this year? I'll still be writing, but I don't have a story - no stories, I've gone completely brain dead this semester, and I'm pretty sure I won't magically think anything up in the next ten days. Never know, maybe I will, but for now am working under the assumption that I won't, so here is my plan (and request):

I'm going to try and write a bunch of short stories. I'm collecting prompts. So. Prompt me/request things? They can be fandom-specific or things you want to know about my original characters/universes (though I don't talk about those much, so I think the only one you guys'll even know about is the Jade/Okame set), I don't care. I'm not guaranteeing I'll write everything I'm given, but I'll at least consider it all, and I'll try. So give me a fandom (or multiple, because I'll do crossovers), and some characters or a general story idea you might wanna see me try and tackle next month! I'll post up everything I actually finish.

If you're not sure whether or not I know the fandom, suggest anyway. I get into more than even I think I do, and asking never hurts, anyway.

Already got a few - like, ten or so - from Aniko, including a few fandoms I've never written for before (House and Heroes), as well as some more familiar ones (lots of FFXI, potentially another Top Gear/Transformers crossover thing...), but would like more? Thanks in advance?

It's such a minor, petty, and pathetic annoyance! But I hate, hate, hate it when someone - it's always one of your parents, actually, but whatever - takes something that is, well....

Today:

My brother is trashing or boxing pretty much everything he owns, made much easier by his doing literally nothing this summer but sit at home (if I tried that, I'd be kicked out and possibly disowned). I've been working and taking classes and going to things. I've been busy! I've had no time, but in my very spare free time (having time after midnight doesn't count because that's cutting into my sleep time and because everyone else is asleep and I can't be up and about), I've been working through some old boxes of stuff.

One of those boxes was empty, but I had plans for it when I got back to things.

Except today my mother comes into my room and takes the lid, because they took my box and used it to pack up my brother's things. And I protested this a bit, because, hey, that was my box and I was using it! Yes, it was empty at the time, but...! I happened to quite like those boxes! And I haven't seen them since so, no, mother, they can't be replaced.


"But, honey, I paid for it!"


It's such a stupid brush-off, especially since half the time, sure they bought it, but then they gave it to you. ....Mostly I think I'm just really, really sick of feeling like everything I think and feel is being completely brushed off by everyone I interact with and aryeghkte angst fit whine whine whine whine shut up shut up shut up shut up

IT WAS MY BOX, AND I REALLY LIKED IT, AND NOW I'LL NEVER HAVE ANOTHER ONE BECAUSE MY MOTHER TOOK IT AWAY AND GAVE IT TO MY BROTHER AND I'M SAD, OKAY. IS THERE SOMETHING BAD ABOUT THAT? AM I NOT ALLOWED TO BE UPSET? GOD DAMN IT WHY CAN I NOT JUST BE UPSET WITHOUT SOMEONE CALLING ME STUPID AND NOT CONSIDERING WHERE THE OTHER PERSON IS COMING FROM? I DO, BUT SOMETIMES I'M STILL UPSET BECAUSE I FEEL I'VE BEEN SLIGHTED IN SOME WAY, ALL RIGHT?? IS THAT SO WRONG??

be right back running away to alaska or something i don't know i need to get out of this stupid house and away from these people they're not good for me and my mental and emotional health

If this was just one thing, I probably wouldn't even be that bothered, but this has been a stupid, awful week for Jecca-family interactions.

Edit:
ALSO YES, if anyone had noticed, I've been largely ignoring my friends page, so, uh, sorry. My chemistry teacher has decided to end class early, but all the work is still due, so I suddenly have even less time to do more work in, and I've been very stressed. Sorry.

I no longer remember a time before the thunderstorms.


I'm not sure I've mentioned this, but I've changed my tag settings so anyone can add preexisting tags, and anyone on my friends list can create and add or remove preexisting tags. Just in case you feel like mucking up my tagging system. I only ask that you leave the completed stories entries alone.


And I'm banning myself from posting until this latest installment in my appallingly stupid emo-depressiveness has passed because all I do is embarrass myself, and, seriously, who wants to read about Jecca whining about her abandonment issues and lack of faith in humanity, and how she feels ignored, and how awful and worthless a person she is?

See, I can't even write that without wanting to maim myself. I can't imagine how awful it is for those of you who are normal, functioning beings who do not inflict your woe and drama upon the rest of us. And I'm fully aware of how wrong that mindset is, because I know I have friends, even if they're long-distance, and I know there are at least a few people who care about me, but I cannot seem to shut up the malfunctioning glitch that is my brain.

... and, okay, I'm hoping that putting that out there will help me snap back out of it.

So, uh. If I disappear for the next week or more, that's why. I'm not sure anyone would notice, but, you know, whatever.


DAYS LIKE THESE ARE WHY I AM GOING INTO THERAPY. AGAIN.

Had a bit of a revelation while talking to my mother earlier this afternoon.

We'd been to the bank and I was looking over my credit card bill, which contains the hotel cost from BotCon, and I was talking about the mysterious "800" written on the page I'd used to note my spendings in Cincinnati - I have no idea what it's supposed to represent, and all I can guess is it it's either supposed to be "8.00" or it's something completely unrelated to BotCon expenses. This prompted my mother to ask what happened to the extra Alternators Mirage that I took away and didn't bring back. Had I traded it? Sold it? Where did it go?

Told her I'd given him away, and she seemed surprised by that, and that eventually lead to a tangent about what I did at BotCon - I'd given both my parents a brief story, but never got around to much in the way of details. I had Finals all that week, my father had to work, and my mother was busy with other things, and then it had been too long and it was out of our minds.

While I was telling her about my weekend, I realized something that is kind of sad, both in general and in that I've not had enough cause to notice it before.

I don't know how to handle people being nice to me. Like, sincerely nice. Not falsely nice, or I-feel-obligated nice, but just ... actually nice to me. As if I am a person of any degree of worth. People were nice to me all weekend - people I'd never even met before. And that, that, of all things, made me feel awkward. I kept waiting for someone to stab me or something. What is this? Why are they being nice? I can deal with people being passive-aggressive or even overtly mean, but nice? It puts me off my balance point, and then I start worrying I'm being annoying and they're just better at faking niceness than other people.


... Thank you, classmates, for doing your best to break me. Breaking might have been easier, in retrospect. The fractures are more than enough. Thank you, teachers and school counselors, who never stepped in, even when I asked for help. Even after bullying was called to attention because of shootings. Thanks especially to those of you who aided in and encouraged it. Thank you, public schooling. I like continually finding more things wrong with myself, even all these years after I've finished with you. Thanks a lot.

They keep turning the radio at work either off or down far enough that it can barely be heard. Maybe they switch between the two, because I can be standing in the same spot doing the same activity and suddenly hear music. Then it will fade out again. Whatever. It's odd.

Because the part of my brain I often use to keep myself entertained during the long and boring hours has, lately, been spewing out ideas that worry me, I've been forced to resort to introspection (which is probably something I spend too much time doing, anyway). But I reached a few worrying conclusions tonight!

The following is rather disjointed. It's mostly stream-of-consciousness, but with the random detours into, "SHUT UP, CAT," and, "oooh, wait, have I checked for an update yet today?" and such cut out.

( Reenacting that policy of mine... )

My mother is off to visit my brother right now. She's not been gone for a day, but the animals are determined to be as annoying as possible in her absence. I am ready to put the cat through the window. I love her dearly, but even I can only take her following me around and meowing incessantly for so long. She doesn't want to play, she doesn't want to go out, she doesn't want food or water, her litter box is clean, there isn't another cat on the porch...

He asked me to pack up his PS2 so she could bring it to him, along with God of War II, since that's the only game he owns that he hasn't played through yet. I sent him my FFXII and Jak and Daxter, as well, even though I haven't played through FFXII yet. It is too much like FFXI and it drives me up the wall. I will beat it someday. I just do not know when.

That little voice in the back of your mind is smarter than you, and is there for a reason. Pay more attention to it!

This message brought to you by Jecca triple-guessing her answers on tests when they're correct the first time, Jecca second-guessing her initial identifications of various things when they're correct they first time, Jecca attempting to drive home last night despite thinking the roads were frighteningly messy, and Jecca deciding not to worry about not being able to remember putting her car keys away last night. She didn't. When her parents turned up to fetch her and the Honda (she didn't crash; she was smart enough to pull off the road and call home), she left her keys in the ignition for her father to use and he took them. Thankfully, when she called him in a panic this morning ten minutes after she needed to have left for class, he remembered that he left them in his coat, and she managed to get into town in time for her final.


But now classes are over and my work is all done.


So all I need to stress over now (well, actually, it's not like I was actually stressing over schoolwork, anyway, so I guess it makes no difference) is if I managed to pick up the Trojan that's going around and hacking people's FFXI accounts. The player base finally appears to have isolated the culprit (the list of suspects was worryingly long) and while I rarely - if ever - visit Somepage, I'm scanning for it, anyway. Someone took the time to tell me how to check and better safe than sorry. All clear so far, but I'm only halfway done. IF YOU HAVE HACKED MY MITHRA, I WILL FIND YOU AND STAB YOU IN HER HONOR, YOU FIENDS.

Edit:
We're safe! Though there was a panic when I searched the Registry, since my previous search cropped up. AAAGH I GOT I-- no, wait, that's just the hard drive search. Ahahaha! Silly me! orz

... *useless!*