Currents of Time

I was just tackled by Rapid Onset Writer's Block. I don't know why.

Obviously, the thing to do is post to LJ.

( Fandom talk, by which I mean complaining. )

I am updating all the time again already. I do not mean to spam, but I did come to the realization while typing this entry up that I'm avoiding Things. I thought the trip to California might help, but it seems to have made things worse. I'm worn out. I'm tired of fighting.

At least I've finally figured out there is another problem, even if I'm not entirely confident I know what it is yet. At least I'm not just running this time.


Also, despite my computer checking out clean, the Final Fantasy XI hacking has me so frightened. I read a few stories of people who've had their accounts taken from this before I freaked and started boycotting all FFXI-related sites, and it is extremely distressing to me to think of my characters being taken over and used to farm gil and harass other players. I probably shouldn't be so emotionally invested in these digital characters, but Hisi, at least, as been a constant for a little over four years now and I can't stand the thought of losing her here and like that. (Though, really, I'd never lose her, I'd just lose the account.) I don't think that I could take it, and I'm going to go knock on wood until my knuckles bleed now.

I just want things to be okay. I don't understand why that's so hard. And now I'm whining like some eight year old. Good grief.

Thanks, life. After having such an amazingly bad day yesterday and Friday, I really needed to have it continue today. Thanks ever so much. If I have a giant, emotional breakdown in the middle of drawing class tomorrow when I need to get up and present my nicely matted (and so carefully drawn!) finished pieces - you know, the ones my father MANAGED TO PUT HIS FOOT THROUGH SOMEHOW AFTER STEPPING ON AND BREAKING MY GUITAR (you know, the one I need for the final exam on Tuesday and the final performance on Friday?!) - I refuse to be held responsible.

I can't even contact my drawing teacher to ask what I should do. I guess I'll just fail. Great. Just wonderful.


Thanks. Really. That just... completely made my weekend. You gonna go after my dog, next, or my laptop? Maybe finish off what you've started with my eyes and completely blind me? I mean, you already tried to take my cat and my only remaining friend in this state (if I never have a confrontation again...). What's one more little, unimportant thing?

He just told me he'd like me better if I got a complete personality transplant.

I


... I don't... even know...



I can't even bother right now. I need to get out of this house. I can't go anywhere. No one lives near here. Not that I even have anyone who would care enough in the first place. All of my friends live out of state, anyway, and

I mean, I'm not a snuggly-happy person, but no one in my family is. He wants me to smile all the time and give him hugs when he gets home, and have lots of friends that I have over all the time, and a boyfriend. But no one does that. . . . I don't even really like boys. I don't want a romantic relationship.


Why am I not enough just as me? Why am I never good enough? Why do my friends and my father not want me as me?


I just... don't know.


I don't know anymore.



I need a hug....