Jecca Mehlota (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
jecca_mehlota) wrote2007-10-26 12:53 am
jecca_mehlota) wrote2007-10-26 12:53 am
Entry tags:
- arg real life,
- easily ignored entries,
- emo emo angst,
- i do not approve!,
- it is late and i am tired,
- ridiculous stick figures,
- she never shuts up does she?,
- some cheese with that whine?,
- startling contrast in tags,
- the readers all think i am insane,
- the readers would be correct,
- things i think are funny!,
- too many tags arg!
Productive is a state of mind.
True to my word, I watched Top Gear clips on YouTube for much of the afternoon (one of them was the race from Italy to the restaurant in London. I love that one. I tried to inflict it on my brother, but I don't think he watched it. What a spoilsport). I think I successfully banished Gene, but now I am tired and must go to bed.
Aside from that, my day was mostly uneventful. ... Well, actually, ...no, I guess it wasn't. I came downstairs to find my mother shouting over the radio to mock whatever baseball team it was that lost a game last night (okay, "AND ATE IT!" was pretty unexpected and funny to suddenly hear that from her).
Besides that, I'm going through MORE BOXES of stuff, and one of them held binders full of things from about 1999 to 2004. All from school, so notes and random doodles and such.
One of the sections in one binder was marked with a divider that, instead of having a word label (like "Science" or "Language Arts" or some such thing), it had a drawing of a 'demented horse.' Demented horses are just stick-figure horses. They, uh. I can't draw horses, so I didn't even bother with these things.
Anyway, it's a section full of pages of stick-figure doodles and it is hilarious and I cannot stop laughing at any of it. Stick-figure Dante O'paque being unable to blend in with the other horses! Robot-science teacher (occasionally malfunctioning) and meditating history teacher (on the table!), and complete defacing of map-handouts with stick-figure armies slaughtering each other (my partner in crime and I sure had fun with it). I should scan some of these in, though I'm not sure others will find the humor. Just because I was reduced to helpless, hysterical laughter doesn't mean anyone else will be.
I also found my notes from Latin 1, 2, and 3. I am very happy about this! I was afraid they'd been thrown out when I didn't find them in my room.
Then when I went to work, I found we'd been given a whole lot of new equipment. No new oven, of course, though we could probably use one, but new baking racks and new appliances and the sort. Very nice, though a bit pointless, since we didn't actually need any of it.
And we still don't have a mop bucket, but I've devised a way of mopping without one, which is possibly because we do have a mop.
... So you'd think, all that considered, that today would have been a good day, yes? No. Despite all of this, I really feel a bit awful today.
... I suppose I ought to just get this out. It's not really something I go around saying or anything, and I don't think I've mentioned it here, but I've got issues with depression. That may not be a surprise, but, well. There it is. I try very hard not to let it run my life or anything because I find it very annoying, especially since it's rather illogical. If there's nothing to be so upset about ... why are you so upset? Ugh.
I could say a lot more about that, but I had a point to make.
So, anyway, a little over a month ago, I went through a bad phase. ...I dunno, I'd been meaning to mention it to a specific friend (basically the only one I have in-state right now) for a while now, if only to prevent it from coming out at a really inopportune time (like when we're angry with each other, because it's not exactly fair ammunition to suddenly scream at someone that you've got depression issues), and I ended up calling her and saying as such, and ended up asking her to please, for the love of whatever you consider good and right in the world, could you please just give me a call in the next month. I know that's generally not your thing, but please. Send me an e-mail, or a letter, or call me, or drop by my house or my work, just something. Let me know I am still on your radar, or something.
Because I really am very insecure, especially when I get like this, and you've lied to me a lot (even through this past summer), and I really and honestly don't know where I stand in terms of friendship with you. You say we're friends, but you never really show it in a way I can understand. Work with me here, just once?
I didn't think it'd be too much to ask, right? Just one quick note once in the next month? But apparently it was, and I just feel awful now, because that tells me that I really just don't matter.
I mean, I knew that, anyway. People move on and make new friends, and sometimes I doubt we were ever close at all in the first place. We met in middle school through a mutual friend, and after that friend dropped us, she was all I had, while I know she had other friends. That she was back a year and I was starting in a new school that fall didn't help the situation, I imagine.
The thing is, I've always taken the back seat, and it's always hurt. I've always thought that part of being friends with someone meant that you would occasionally push yourself out of your comfort zone, or you'd do something that maybe you didn't necessarily want to do just because someone you valued as a friend asked you to because it was important to them.
And I know she'll do things like that for other people - and, hey, she has done it for me a few times, too (never really the ones that really mattered to me, but take what you get, I suppose?). But it really, really hurts that this time I asked just for one small thing (maybe it's not so small, I don't know. I've been asking for it for the past seven years now and it's never come), she won't do it. I know she calls other people - maybe every night? I don't know.
It's just - I know she's moved on, and I probably have, too, and that really is okay by me, but I wish she'd stop insisting she does care and does want to be my friend.
Anyway, I said, not in as many words, but I did tell her last time we actually spoke, that I'm done fighting. I'm done fighting with her and I'm done fighting to keep whatever we've got left. I don't have the energy to sustain it on my own - honestly, I don't want to, neither of us is benefiting from this, so why bother keeping it? (Is that callous? That's probably callous. I don't really care. I'm not very good at dealing with people, emotions, or relationships, and I've never really tried to hide that.)
I don't really know how to express this. I don't care anymore! You clearly do not, either! Let's leave each other alone!
Shouldn't be a problem, though, since last year proved that said individual will not call me regardless of how long it's been since I last called (or whatever). (This was because I didn't know her phone number and so was unable to call, not because I was conducting some sort of bizarre experiment. She would say hello to my parents and, finally, after about five months, rather than calling me herself, sent Mom home from the video store with a note scrawled on a scrap of paper begging me to call her. That was the most offended I have been in years.)
So it's not really anything I need to worry about. She won't look for me, and I will return the favor.
It still just really stings a bit that I can call someone up in the middle of a depressive bout (because of my mental state at the time, that was actually one of the hardest phone calls I have ever made in my life) and they'll dismiss it as soon as I'm out of earshot.
I think what annoys me most about this is she's a Psychology major.
Part of me wonders if this may be one of those self-fulfilling prophecies, actually. I've been predicting this for about as long as I've know her. I am letting go, and I am scared, honestly, because I don't have anyone now, but I'll survive. Always do. (I am not, thankfully, my brother! I may have depression problems, but I have never been suicidal.)
The other part of me wonders if it's just because she's never forgiven me for the personality shift I went through around 2001? (I think that the the approximate time?) I'm not longer in contact with anyone I knew before then. Everyone I talk to now - outside my family, obviously - are people I met after All That happened.
Maybe it wasn't a necessary one, but it happened, and there's really nothing to be done about it. Though sometimes I wonder how I'd be today if I hadn't just turned everything as OFF as possible back then.
What was I saying? As of this morning at midnight, it had been a month - no matter how you spin it. (More, really, but that was the date I pinned to the calendar.) I'm not worth the effort! Hooray! The only person in state I called a friend doesn't care!
I am not surprised, I just had kind of hoped...
Part of me thinks I should be more upset by this, but it's not new and it's not unexpected, and, well. It wouldn't make sense to be, considering the circumstances.
And my sincerest apologies to anyone who read that. But thanks, too. I realize it's a bit incoherent. I'm going rather stream-of-consciousness, here. Hopefully I have not just made a complete moron of myself.
BUT OKAY! We are done with that. Moving on with life!
Probably about time, anyway.
Tomorrow I will work on "GT" more. Really need to get going on that, since I've made absolutely no progress the last few days.
Edit:
More things that make Jecca happy: this YouTube video. She grins every time she ends up following a link to this video, because the text in the video cracks her up every time. And, of course, the sound-clip from the original cartoon at the very end will never not be hilarious. ("I lactate geometry"! XD)
Aside from that, my day was mostly uneventful. ... Well, actually, ...no, I guess it wasn't. I came downstairs to find my mother shouting over the radio to mock whatever baseball team it was that lost a game last night (okay, "AND ATE IT!" was pretty unexpected and funny to suddenly hear that from her).
Besides that, I'm going through MORE BOXES of stuff, and one of them held binders full of things from about 1999 to 2004. All from school, so notes and random doodles and such.
One of the sections in one binder was marked with a divider that, instead of having a word label (like "Science" or "Language Arts" or some such thing), it had a drawing of a 'demented horse.' Demented horses are just stick-figure horses. They, uh. I can't draw horses, so I didn't even bother with these things.
Anyway, it's a section full of pages of stick-figure doodles and it is hilarious and I cannot stop laughing at any of it. Stick-figure Dante O'paque being unable to blend in with the other horses! Robot-science teacher (occasionally malfunctioning) and meditating history teacher (on the table!), and complete defacing of map-handouts with stick-figure armies slaughtering each other (my partner in crime and I sure had fun with it). I should scan some of these in, though I'm not sure others will find the humor. Just because I was reduced to helpless, hysterical laughter doesn't mean anyone else will be.
I also found my notes from Latin 1, 2, and 3. I am very happy about this! I was afraid they'd been thrown out when I didn't find them in my room.
Then when I went to work, I found we'd been given a whole lot of new equipment. No new oven, of course, though we could probably use one, but new baking racks and new appliances and the sort. Very nice, though a bit pointless, since we didn't actually need any of it.
And we still don't have a mop bucket, but I've devised a way of mopping without one, which is possibly because we do have a mop.
... So you'd think, all that considered, that today would have been a good day, yes? No. Despite all of this, I really feel a bit awful today.
... I suppose I ought to just get this out. It's not really something I go around saying or anything, and I don't think I've mentioned it here, but I've got issues with depression. That may not be a surprise, but, well. There it is. I try very hard not to let it run my life or anything because I find it very annoying, especially since it's rather illogical. If there's nothing to be so upset about ... why are you so upset? Ugh.
I could say a lot more about that, but I had a point to make.
So, anyway, a little over a month ago, I went through a bad phase. ...I dunno, I'd been meaning to mention it to a specific friend (basically the only one I have in-state right now) for a while now, if only to prevent it from coming out at a really inopportune time (like when we're angry with each other, because it's not exactly fair ammunition to suddenly scream at someone that you've got depression issues), and I ended up calling her and saying as such, and ended up asking her to please, for the love of whatever you consider good and right in the world, could you please just give me a call in the next month. I know that's generally not your thing, but please. Send me an e-mail, or a letter, or call me, or drop by my house or my work, just something. Let me know I am still on your radar, or something.
Because I really am very insecure, especially when I get like this, and you've lied to me a lot (even through this past summer), and I really and honestly don't know where I stand in terms of friendship with you. You say we're friends, but you never really show it in a way I can understand. Work with me here, just once?
I didn't think it'd be too much to ask, right? Just one quick note once in the next month? But apparently it was, and I just feel awful now, because that tells me that I really just don't matter.
I mean, I knew that, anyway. People move on and make new friends, and sometimes I doubt we were ever close at all in the first place. We met in middle school through a mutual friend, and after that friend dropped us, she was all I had, while I know she had other friends. That she was back a year and I was starting in a new school that fall didn't help the situation, I imagine.
The thing is, I've always taken the back seat, and it's always hurt. I've always thought that part of being friends with someone meant that you would occasionally push yourself out of your comfort zone, or you'd do something that maybe you didn't necessarily want to do just because someone you valued as a friend asked you to because it was important to them.
And I know she'll do things like that for other people - and, hey, she has done it for me a few times, too (never really the ones that really mattered to me, but take what you get, I suppose?). But it really, really hurts that this time I asked just for one small thing (maybe it's not so small, I don't know. I've been asking for it for the past seven years now and it's never come), she won't do it. I know she calls other people - maybe every night? I don't know.
It's just - I know she's moved on, and I probably have, too, and that really is okay by me, but I wish she'd stop insisting she does care and does want to be my friend.
Anyway, I said, not in as many words, but I did tell her last time we actually spoke, that I'm done fighting. I'm done fighting with her and I'm done fighting to keep whatever we've got left. I don't have the energy to sustain it on my own - honestly, I don't want to, neither of us is benefiting from this, so why bother keeping it? (Is that callous? That's probably callous. I don't really care. I'm not very good at dealing with people, emotions, or relationships, and I've never really tried to hide that.)
I don't really know how to express this. I don't care anymore! You clearly do not, either! Let's leave each other alone!
Shouldn't be a problem, though, since last year proved that said individual will not call me regardless of how long it's been since I last called (or whatever). (This was because I didn't know her phone number and so was unable to call, not because I was conducting some sort of bizarre experiment. She would say hello to my parents and, finally, after about five months, rather than calling me herself, sent Mom home from the video store with a note scrawled on a scrap of paper begging me to call her. That was the most offended I have been in years.)
So it's not really anything I need to worry about. She won't look for me, and I will return the favor.
It still just really stings a bit that I can call someone up in the middle of a depressive bout (because of my mental state at the time, that was actually one of the hardest phone calls I have ever made in my life) and they'll dismiss it as soon as I'm out of earshot.
I think what annoys me most about this is she's a Psychology major.
Part of me wonders if this may be one of those self-fulfilling prophecies, actually. I've been predicting this for about as long as I've know her. I am letting go, and I am scared, honestly, because I don't have anyone now, but I'll survive. Always do. (I am not, thankfully, my brother! I may have depression problems, but I have never been suicidal.)
The other part of me wonders if it's just because she's never forgiven me for the personality shift I went through around 2001? (I think that the the approximate time?) I'm not longer in contact with anyone I knew before then. Everyone I talk to now - outside my family, obviously - are people I met after All That happened.
Maybe it wasn't a necessary one, but it happened, and there's really nothing to be done about it. Though sometimes I wonder how I'd be today if I hadn't just turned everything as OFF as possible back then.
What was I saying? As of this morning at midnight, it had been a month - no matter how you spin it. (More, really, but that was the date I pinned to the calendar.) I'm not worth the effort! Hooray! The only person in state I called a friend doesn't care!
I am not surprised, I just had kind of hoped...
Part of me thinks I should be more upset by this, but it's not new and it's not unexpected, and, well. It wouldn't make sense to be, considering the circumstances.
And my sincerest apologies to anyone who read that. But thanks, too. I realize it's a bit incoherent. I'm going rather stream-of-consciousness, here. Hopefully I have not just made a complete moron of myself.
BUT OKAY! We are done with that. Moving on with life!
Probably about time, anyway.
Tomorrow I will work on "GT" more. Really need to get going on that, since I've made absolutely no progress the last few days.
Edit:
More things that make Jecca happy: this YouTube video. She grins every time she ends up following a link to this video, because the text in the video cracks her up every time. And, of course, the sound-clip from the original cartoon at the very end will never not be hilarious. ("I lactate geometry"! XD)
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(Or should that be, what did we decide, "dementarus cougarus"?)
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its fading...so sad...
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It makes me glad I have LJ, where I can be myself and say what I'm thinking without tripping over my own tongue all the time... but there's still times when LJ feels like I'm just talking and nobody cares what I'm saying, and I shouldn't be making the effort.
Anyways, I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I know things will get better, but... yeah. Sometimes that waiting for things to get better seems to take a really, really long time. Myself, I've started making some medication that's really helped make my lows not quite so low, and now I'm debating about finding a counselor to talk to. However you decide to deal with things, I wish you the best.
And I just want to say that I enjoy reading your posts, even though I can't always think of things to say! And I'm glad that you're using LJ to express this stuff instead of just being upset about it on your own.
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(And also I am glad you enjoy reading my ramblings! I am kind of awful at replying, too, so it doesn't really bother me when other people are the same way.)
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Oh, and that "making some medication" should be "taking some medication", lol. HERE IS MAH HOMEMADE ANTI-DEPRESSANT
IT IZ MADE OF SUGAR